A Blessing in Disguise

 

That’s what I told myself. The thought brought relief and a vague sense of triumph. Finally: a good reason to be out of reach; unavailable and exempt. A blessing dressed up as an affliction of sorts. An excuse. A ticket. I thought “hey, it’s not all bad; maybe I can use it”. At least that’s what I’ve been told.

But I cannot seem to unlock my ticket. I’m still stuck, only now with an added burden.
I’m starting to think maybe there’s no ticket. There’s no great advantage. I still have to do the work. If I want to have it my way, I will have to do what I always avoided. Either that, or suck it up AND have to bear with an added pile of crap. There’s no shortcut. No conflict-free route. No easy way out - not that the cost is easy or insignificant.

Maybe it doesn’t quite work like that. Maybe it’s not a ticket per se, but more like a sign to do something. A sign to take action and learn to do what I detest in order to be able to get where I want. To get loud and visibly angry and unaccommodating and difficult. But all I’ve managed to be so far is uncomfortable and awkward and resentful and still only inwardly angry. I don’t know how to break out of it. I’m trying to learn, but it’s not easy, especially if I don’t see any of it having any real impact.

I read something today, completely irrelevant, but it says we shouldn’t worry so much about the impact and only concern ourselves with the effort. I don’t know if it applies here. How can I not worry about the impact? If the effort will go in vain, what’s the point? What’s required is excruciating. If it won’t lead to anything, then why go through it?

Why can’t it be easier? Why are they such self-absorbed shitheads? Why am I the way I am? Oh we’re not gonna go there… we know why. We can trace it back to them being self-absorbed shitheads. At least in part. I’m to blame for my afflictions, and they’re to blame for me. At least in part.

I know what needs to be done, theoretically, I think. I just can’t bring myself to start. I don’t quite know how.

As for my “blessing”… It’s not so bad… But I was really hoping it’d also be my break.