Sep 27, a Wednesday.

It's been a year. The date really means nothing because there are more important and still relevant things that happened a few days before and for days/weeks after.. But I think I needed a date for myself to just mark and note down. To draw some sort of imaginary line between before and after. The day itself wasn't all that significant. Maybe.

I didn't plan to REMEMBER the date, it just hit me today that it's been about a year.. So I checked the calendar and swiped back to last September and turns out it's today. And then I started to realize that those past months I was processing. Sometimes internally overreacting, sometimes downplaying, and sometimes pausing. I may still be processing.

I don't know how to talk to anyone about most of this without regretting it a little afterwards. The first time is okay... Allowed... But a second or third time of trying to rant about it leaves a self-loathing aftertaste. It should be okay. I feel I need to actually talk (and not just type) about what's going on inside my head. But it doesn't come naturally, and it doesn't feel great.

You don't really change, do you Hagar? I mean... Of course you do outwardly. Life leaves its marks and I probably do not give the same vibes I used to give some 18 or 20 years ago... And yes I've grown up a bit (as I absolutely should have)... There's some progress in some parts and a sort of slow death to others... But deep down I don't think I've changed at all. And I don't think I want to change all that much, but I do wish I could overcome the shit that's been crippling me for decades. I promised myself I would at least try. But I keep missing my chances. 

Why is it so hard to say what I want? Why can't you just read my mind? When will it be okay for me to say no? To anyone... about anything? 

I know I'm still lucky cause at least I don't live with someone who makes it harder... At least not the way others I lived with before used to (and still do).. I just wish I could make things easier for myself and for HIM by speaking my mind when it matters the most to me! Cause it's not like I'm silent around him... I talk his ears off... But there are times when I just choke. And those are the times I need to rant the most. There's some sense to it. I'm not completely unreasonable. But I need to find a way to break this chain.

It's past my bedtime. It's almost another day/date now. And it doesn't matter. I think I wanted to bring it up today/yesterday... But it didn't feel right. It felt like it might seem like I'm looking for a reason to feel bad. But it really isn't. It just means something to me. Even though the date isn't significant, its passing means something to me. And I wanted to share that. With you. But as usual, I held back. And that's on me. I know.

Good night I guess.